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Quote of the Day - Joan Wilder: "What is all this?" Jack Colton: "All this? About five to life in the States, a couple of centuries down here." Joan Wilder: "Oh, marijuana." Jack Colton: "You smoke it?" Joan Wilder: [defensively] "I went to college." - Romancing the Stone

Saturday Night On The Town Foiled By Grocery Store Clerk

You've seen the bit on TV:  something valuable gets shoved down the front of our hero's pants, only to slide down and out the bottom.  That scene was perhaps best done by Michael Douglas' character Jack T. Colton in Romancing the Stone when the El Corazon emerald shows up on the tip of his cowboy boot after the butt of a rifle freed it up from its hiding place. 

Now that you've got that image, imagine this:  You're thirsty and you're in Des Moines, Iowa at the local Hy-Vee store.  (For those of you who've never been to Iowa, it's a large grocery store chain).  The only problem you have, however, is that you're short on cash, and perhaps short on a few other things

So, as you're walking down the liquor aisle, you spot your favorite drink, Jack Daniels, and since you've seen the movie, you suddenly become inspired.  You take the bottle and shove it down the front of your pants and then calmly proceed to walk out of the store.  There are only two defects in your plan - you forgot Newton's law and your pants pockets are on the outside.

As you're walking, the bottle slips down your pants leg and crashes on the floor, spilling the bottle's contents and sending glass everywhere.  No worries, you think, you're not only inspired, you're bulletproof.  So you head back to the liquor aisle, but this time you're in a bit of a rush because you don't want to be discovered

Let's pause here for a moment and examine what's happened so far.  You don't know it, but not only did someone see you stuff the Jack Daniels down your pants, you're also on the store's video.  Plus your pant leg is wet, you reek of alcohol (most likely your breath as well as your shoe) and you've just alerted the media with grocery store's PA system screaming:  "Spill on Aisle Four."  But no matter, you're ten feet tall and bulletproof

Even so, you still have a bit of sense left and realize that in order to accomplish your goal, you need to grab something and quickly get out of the store.  With the aplomb that inspired you the first time, you reach for the closest bottle, which happens to be Ten High bourbon.  Now that you're experienced, however, you remember Newton's law and secure the bottle.  With a furtive glance to the left and to the right, you head for the door, omitting the stop at the cash register.

"Not so fast," a grocery clerk says, and you break into a run.  Several good citizens assist the clerk and after a bit of shoving back and forth, the police arrive and hook you up for a night in the tank.  Your friends at the party couldn't have missed you too much, though:  You're still in the Polk County jail the next morning, complete with a hangover, but sans two bottles of whiskey.  

Who's charged with these allegations?  Our hero is 41-year-old Scott Allen Morton of Des Moines, who now faces a second-degree robbery complaint.

Posted by J. Craig Williams on 9/3/2006 at 12:31 Comments (0)


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